Not Everyone Gets Me, and That's Okay

Last week, I jokingly told Alana to have a mediocre day at school. Then she started crying. I will accept my Mother-of-the-Year award now, thanks. She did not get that I wasn't serious, and she thought that "mediocre" meant "bad", which it doesn't. Most of her days at school are probably closer to mediocre than great, but the irony of that is lost on a seven year old.

When I shared this information on Facebook I know most people thought it was funny. They get me. But I'm sure that there were people who didn't think it was amusing, and probably thought it was kind of mean. Those people don't get me. But that's okay. It is possible that I have become so fluent in sarcasm that people do not know when I'm joking. Most of the time I am probably joking, and people should know that, but its fine if they don't think its funny.

When I was a kid and I would ask my dad what we were having for dinner, he would often respond with something like lizard lips and frog legs. At first I believed him, until we ate fried chicken or something that was clearly not frog legs, as far as I know....When I was little I did not find this joke funny. I thought it was annoying. But now, as a parent, I cannot honestly say that I have never told my own children the same thing. They don't think its funny, but I don't care. I will crack myself up if I have to.

My children are kind of gullible, and my sense of humor insists that I take advantage of that. David has Alana 100% convinced that his middle name is "Justice" and we both laugh about that all the time. His middle name is not Justice, but she doesn't have to know that. She wouldn't get why its funny. Maybe she will when she's an adult, about the same time that she starts to think that telling your kid to "have a mediocre day" is hilarious. I already think that, maybe my sense of humor is just more refined than hers...

I should probably work on my timing, so that I offend fewer people who don't realize that I only tease people I like, but that would suck the fun out of it. If people don't get me, and they don't get my weird, dry, possibly offensive sense of humor, that's okay, because I still think I'm funny and that's all that matters.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Brand new information: sometimes I talk loud. I know, you're all surprised. I have a case of what is known in my family as "Kloos voice" and although I've tried to overcome it (sort of) I can't shake it. I talk loud and I'm okay with that. If I'm in a room with more than one member of my family my voice inexplicably gets louder, and louder, and louder. I talk loudly on the phone, I talk loudly in person, I talk loudly in some situations when I should be quiet. Its genetic, maybe I have no control over it.

I'm not even the loudest one in my family. My brother Josh is WAY louder than me, with little or no volume control. And my grandpa? He has ZERO volume control. He once loudly said (while watching the movie Erin Brockovich in the theater) "Her boobs aren't that big in real life!" So yeah, I come from a long line of loud people.

I think I passed my volume down to my children. Alana is loud, Ava is loud, and Witten yells like his life depends on it. Especially if he wants something. He just yells "Ahhh!" at you if you have food/drink/toys that he wishes to obtain. This is his more subtle way of communicating. Yesterday when he was thirsty he got a sippy cup from a kitchen drawer and threw it at me. He was thirsty I guess. Dangerously thirsty.

I can live with loud voices, I have my whole life. As long as I can manage to teach my kids to filter out what they say in their loud voices, then I think we'll be okay. As long as we can avoid boob size comments in public I'll be happy. 

Life is Crazy, Crazy Good

Its weird how quickly we fell back into the school routine. Wake up, get Alana dressed, feed small people, prevent Witten from throwing away all of our possessions, take Alana to school and try to keep her from crying, come home, clean the things that somehow always get dirty, lunch, school pickup, get David from work, dinner, nighttime stuff and teeth brushing, some sleep, then repeat. I'm tired just thinking about it.

But amid all of the crazy stuff and routines where we sleep, eat, repeat, everyone is happy and healthy and I still have some time to bake cookies and then eat too many of them. This boy doesn't seem to mind the way things are going right now either.

In between the chaos and the What the heck should we have for dinner its 4 o'clock and I haven't decided?!!! everything is pretty good. We even have time to play in the sprinkler and water the grass I've worked my butt off trying to grow.

Witten is a big fan of the yard, especially if there's water involved, so he tries to make time in his day for a little bit of splashing around.

In the near future Alana will be starting soccer, which is a first for our household because I often avoid organized sports like the plague. That will add to some busyness. But also increase her tiredness, so it cancels the first part out.

Its also highly likely that Ava will be going to preschool. I don't really want to pay for her to go to preschool and just play, so we are waiting until we find out if she got a scholarship and can attend for free. If its free, bring it on. If its not, she's stuck here with me and can wait to learn the things until she goes to kindergarten next year. She has an August birthday, so she will go to school about two weeks before she turns five. She's already talking about it, and its a year away. Crazy girl. I never sent Alana to preschool, but she had been five for like a year before she went to school. I wasn't too crazy about the idea of sending Ava either, but she's bored at home with me and Witten. He takes long naps in the afternoon and she has no kids to play with, so school would be good for her.

Waking up early with my dude who thinks 5 am is a great time to get up makes my day a little longer, but he won't do that forever. Someday I'll be telling him to get up, then I'll get him up at 5 for a little belated revenge. Till then, I wait, and watch him sleeping.

This summer has been good to us, and it will be over before I know it. So excuse me while we stand in the sprinkler with an umbrella and pretend its raining.

I Grew Grass...Sort Of

When we moved into this house the yard was just powdery dirt. I hate dirt, it just gets wet and makes mud. I really hate mud. So I planted grass, which was not as successful as I would've liked, but there is some grass out there. Its spotty at best. One half is patches of the bermuda grass that I originally planted, and I've been told that it spreads, which is true. The other half is less grassy, with some small bunches of bermuda and some spotty rye, which isn't as resilient as the bermuda. I'm hoping it will fill in some more when monsoon season gets here, and maybe I'll add some extra seeds to it in the mean time. Until then, we will sit in the patches and pretend we have a grassy lawn. And I will work on my grass growing skills so that next year it looks really good, even like the grass is intentional.

A Work in Progress

In my quest to live a box free life I have been unpacking crap 24/7. I've been on the I'm moving and too busy to eat diet, so I've eaten way too much trail mix lately. Boxes have been emptied and its safe to estimate that 89.5% of our stuff is put away.

We still have a grill and a weight bench at our old house, but I'm in no hurry to pick them up. I paid rent till the end of March there, so my grill is allowed to stay where it wants to.

I barely finished folding my weeks worth of laundry, since in an effort to move as few things as possible we sold our old ugly washer and dryer and bought new, fancy, beautiful, energy/water efficient ones. That's all fine and dandy, till you have to go 8 days without washing clothes with 3 kids. I didn't make it that full 8 days, cause a kid peed in my bed, so to the laundromat we went.

I've posted a handful of pictures on Instagram of our house, but the lack of phone jacks because who needs a phone jack anyways??? left me internet-less until the phone company could send someone to install a phone jack. Progress has been made, but more work is required. And I'm tired, and ready to resume a box free life.

For every area that looks like this:

There is another area that looks like this:

 

For all of the areas that are nice and clean like this:

 I have a huge spot on my dining room table that looks like this:

 Instead of folding laundry or doing something productive like this:

 I decorated a shelf like this:

Since I took this pictures I've made A LOT of progress. Like, unpacked the last box and I'm so close to being done I can taste it. There is a line of picture frames in the hallway that needs hung up/the pictures changed out. Other than that, things are getting accomplished. More pictures to come!

First World Problems

I'm stuck using my laptop right now because my desk top computer isn't working right and that stresses me out. I'm trying to decide between fixing the old computer (which we bought in February 2006 so its like a dinosaur as far as computers go) or buying a new one. I know, my life is hard.

I also spent too much of my day searching for one of Ava's favorite toys, which is a small figurine of a princess. I searched and searched and so far have come up empty handed. I have no clue where else to look.

Due to the serious nature of these problems I cannot concentrate on any other task, plus I ate a whole row of a package of Oreos so my stomach kind of hurts. I have a short attention span sometimes, except if I'm obsessively looking for something that is lost. So now I'm going back to devoting my energy to trying to fix my computer and find Princess Sofia.

The Lazy Mom's Guide to Homemade Baby Food

Leave it to me to wait until my third baby to make homemade baby food. Isn't it usually the first born who gets the most effort? Not in our house. He gets better quality food and better quality baby pictures. What can I say, I get better with time.

I have no problem with store bought baby food. It is convenient, inexpensive, and did I mention easy? Both of my girls ate store bought baby food, but never for very long. Once I let them self-feed they were done with purees and onto chopped up fruits and veggies that they enjoyed smearing on their faces.

My only issue this time around was taste. A jar of bananas that has been sitting on a grocery store shelf for who knows how long DOES NOT taste the same as a fresh banana. That's just science. Fresh food tastes better and I know exactly what goes into it and into my baby. I want my dude to know what real food tastes like, and baby food does not taste like real food.

So here I was, third time around, making the decision to feed my baby only healthy, fresh food that I have prepared. He has gotten a little baby oatmeal and yogurt a few times, but those are things I cannot make. Well I guess technically I could in theory make my own yogurt. But I'm not going to.

The first natural step for me in the whole baby food making process was to buy just a little bit extra fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes I cook them with the dinner I'm already making, or sometimes I just cook them up especially to puree and feed my dude. Either way I'm not doing much extra cooking. I have to feed him anyway, what is a few more minutes to steam some green beans.

Yesterday I made my dude some green beans and some broccoli.

I started with fresh green beans and diced them into smallish pieces. Right after I took this photo.

Then I steamed them. I happen to have a microwave steamer that I bought at Walmart for $6, but you can steam or cook vegetables anyway you want. This works for me because I can walk away from it and it isn't going to overcook or burn.

I typically cook small portions, so I only bought a handful of fresh green beans. Nobody wants to be eating the same food everyday for a week. After the green beans were cooked I set them out to cool, he wasn't going to be eating them immediately so there was no rush. Not all of the steps have to be done at the same time, this isn't that big of a committment.

At this point, while the green beans were cooling, I thought Why not randomly switch the vegetable that you are making right now to broccoli? That won't be confusing at all! I had a container of leftover steamed broccoli in the fridge already, so I grabbed that and added it to my to-do list. Sometimes I just cook a little bit extra of dinner so I can make it into food for Witten. See how I do that, save some time since I already had the broccoli?

So out came the broccoli, and out came the food processor. I just have this little food processor, which is an accessory to an immersion blender I have. If you have a bigger one feel free to cook more veggies at once, but small quantities work for me and my baby food processor.

I added about half of my cooked broccoli, and a fair amount of water. That's the secret here, you aren't going to get the texture you want unless you add some water. You are just going to get finely chopped up vegetables. And you don't have to add water to every puree, some foods naturally contain a little bit more water than others.

I initially added about 1-2 tablespoons of water, then pulsed the broccoli a few times and reassessed.

It needed more water, so I ended up using about 1/4 cup more. Then it was pretty smooth, but the nature of broccoli isn't that smooth, it still had a couple stray sprout guys hanging out. That's okay, my baby is older but I would use a smoother fruit or veggie when they're first starting out, depending on what age you start your baby on solids. My girls got baby food at about 4 months, but I didn't start consistently giving it to Witten until 6 months, which is actually what most doctors will recommend.

I took my final product and divided it into small tupperware containers. I put one in the fridge and the rest in the freezer. Alternatively you can freeze it in an ice cube tray or something similar and then freeze individual portions. Food stays fresh in the fridge up to 72 hours, but I would toss it after that to prevent the growth of bacteria. It is also recommended that you not feed a baby directly out of the storage container and then reuse that same container of food on another day. The bacteria from the baby's mouth goes straight from the spoon into their food, and just to be on the safe side I always feed my dude out of a separate bowl. Any food that you store in the freezer will last up to about 3 months, but I make mine in such small batches that it doesn't last that long. If you don't freeze any of your purees you will have to make them more frequently.

In my freezer right now I have broccoli, green beans, and some sweet potatoes. None of these things required more than ten minutes of actual "work" from me and they taste so much better than food from a jar. Not that I want to eat pureed broccoli, but I have a full set of teeth.

There are instances where I feed him non-fruits and veggies, like oatmeal or even yogurt. He loves the yogurt, but it has way more sugar in it than any baby needs so I only give him small amounts at a time. He is a fan though. I only buy brands that don't have high fructose corn syrup and have natural ingredients, babies should eat wholesome, healthy foods.

The thing about making your own baby food is that it doesn't have to be complicated or time consuming. I have three kids, am a part-time student, and spend way too much of my day driving back and forth to pick up my kindergartener. My secret to saving time is to break up some of the steps when I have to. I cook extra veggies at dinner to feed to Witten later. Then I can pull those out of the fridge the next day and they're already cooked and chopped, ready to go. If you are eating healthy then feeding your baby healthy should be the next natural step.

I know this may sound like Greek to some people, and I get that. So I'll help a little more, its the least I can do right?

In most cases, if you would eat something cooked, then your baby will eat it cooked. Broccoli, potatoes, sweet potatoes, squash, all of those things need cooked. And some of them can also be bought pre-chopped (that's how I buy squash all the time) and you can steam it in your microwave, right in the bag. When it comes to fruit, some need cooked and others don't. Bananas are probably the only thing I feed him raw at this time, I choose to bake or steam other fruits like apples, pears, or peaches.

Since it is winter the variety of fresh fruits or vegetables on hand is different, and in this case buying frozen alternatives is fine. I never opt for canned though, they won't taste as fresh and many companies add salt. Frozen peaches are great though, so are green beans (and they're already chopped up!).

Steaming vegetables is not rocket science, my steamer even came with a handy little chart. Most vegetables are done in less than ten minutes, just chop them up and stick em in the steamer.

Cook times for most veggies are not too tough to remember:

• Green beans: 8-10 minutes, sliced into 1 inch pieces
• Broccoli: 6-9 minutes
• Carrots: 6-9 minutes
• Cauliflower: 7-13 minutes
• Corn: 1-2 minutes
• Zucchini: 4-7 minutes
• Squash: 6- 8 minutes. I generally buy this in a bag, chopped, and follow the directions on the bag. Don't even need a steamer, you cook it in the bag!

These vegetables should all be cooked until fork tender, if they are undercooked they will not puree the way you want them to.

Other things I choose to roast/bake in the oven instead. Its not any less convenient, and the texture is generally better for some foods if you don't microwave it.

• Sweet potatoes: roast whole, at 350 for about 30 minutes. If you pierce it with a fork prior to cooking it tends to cook faster. Check for doneness after about 25 minutes by squeezing the potato while wearing an oven mitt. It should yield to gentle pressure.
• Apples and pears: peel and roughly chop, then bake in a shallow dish with a little bit of water at 350 for about 35 minutes. They should be soft and are relatively easy to puree.
• Peaches: since it is winter I have only bought frozen, sliced peaches. This does save time since they are peeled and ready to go, but defrost them in a colander with cold running water before you cook them. Bake them in a shallow dish about 25 minutes in a 350 oven or until tender.

Don't add sugar or any sweetener to any of the fruits, especially if you want your kids to like the taste of the fruit or vegetable the way Mother Nature intended. If a fruit is particularly sour then it isn't ripe enough, use something that is going to be better tasting and in season. You can, if you're feeling particularly daring and adventurous, add a little sprinkle of cinnamon to apples, pears, or peaches. You know, if you like to live on the wild side.

Also make a note to steer away from things that babies shouldn't eat until they are at least one, like honey, peanut butter, egg whites, shellfish, and berries. There are plenty of foods that they can have and they like variety just as much as the rest of us. Once my kids get a little bigger I usually give them more table food or whatever we are having for dinner, with emphasis on fruits and vegetables.

At this point my baby is 7 months old, so he will probably only eat purees for another month or so. Once he develops the ability to pick things up with his thumb and forefinger (the pincer grasp) he can start with more self-feeding. Then I will feed him the same things he is already getting, but skip the puree step. I will also add in more meats and some cheese, but not too much dairy. I skip pureed meats of any kind, because gross. He is breastfed, so he doesn't need any extra protein that he isn't getting from breastmilk.

Let's review in case anyone has forgotten anything:

• Cook extra vegetables when you are prepping dinner, you can use the leftovers later to feed your nugget.
• If you don't have any extra cooked veggies on hand, steam or roast a small portion and then you can come back later and puree it. It doesn't have to be done immediately after you cook it.
• Puree the amount that you need, in my case I just do about 3-4 servings at a time, except when it comes to butternut squash because I buy it in a large bag. Stick 1-2 servings in the fridge, then you can freeze what you want to use later.
• When it comes time to defrost, treat the food the same way you would any other food you need defrosted. I put mine in the fridge overnight, but you could also microwave it (on defrost or low power) until it is thawed. Don't leave it sit at room temperature, that is a no-no when defrosting anything.
• Not all baby food needs to be cooked and prepped ahead of time. Mash up some banana or avocado, mix up a little baby oatmeal, or give them some yogurt. Sometimes raw food is fine.

I don't feel like feeding your kids should be time consuming and complicated. You can feed them simple, whole foods without much effort. I promise. If I can do it, and I can be lazier than anyone realizes, then anyone can do it. It doesn't take much more than 5-10 extra minutes, scout's honor.

And you end up with a happy, healthy, satisfied? customer, who still might make faces when eating broccoli.

Doing It All

Sometimes, some people, ask me, because they're curious How I do it? You know, it. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the making of too many cookies, the pictures, the blogging, the student crap. I have no answer. I don't do it all. In fact, since my dude arrived on the scene, I've been a little lazy. Not like groundbreaking unparalled new levels of laziness, just normal, mom-of-3-kids laziness.

I don't try to be Supermom! If I did, I'd fail. My day is a whirlwind of housework and just for fun I try to squeeze in some homework and then just for laughs sometimes I sit on my couch and watch Law & Order SVU. That last one rarely happens, but I do love that show and its weirdness combined with lots of predictability. At the end of the day everyday I kind of feel like I've accomplished nothing, even if I've barely sat down. By the time the Daily Show comes on I'm tired and ready to sleep, and eat some cookies if I managed to find time in my day for that. I don't that I have the energy to be Supermom! I'm just barely getting by being Regular mom who tries not to lose her temper when kids are fighting about something stupid!

I can admit to being good at some things, domestic or not. I'm good at these things because of LOTS of practice. I can make a decent batch of cookies, but I've got a crazy sweet tooth and I've been obsessed with chocolate chip cookies since I was old enough to chew. I have been making cookies since I was old enough to use the oven and not all have been good. I can make a decent dinner, but that too has been something I've been doing since I could use the stove. There is no secret to cooking, you just have to follow directions, it isn't rocket science. I can take an above average possibly pretty good photograph, but that too takes practice practice practice. My house is clean and even with three kids I find time to vacuum everyday, this isn't something I compromise on. The bedrooms can be messy, but I must have a clean kitchen and living room in order for my brain to function properly.

As much as I can admit to things I do well, I can also admit that some things I suck at. Sewing: I am the world's worst seamstress. There's a reason you don't see me on here posting pictures of things I sewed up in my spare time. I am horrible at it. I'm not patient enough and I HATE sewing. If I can't buy it or get someone else to sew it for me I don't need it. I can't do a cartwheel, because as a small wimpy child I was convinced that my arms would not support my 50 pounds of body weight. I don't know how to whistle, a skill that my six year old has mastered. I'm terrible at math, that is why I am retaking a math class I took 2 years ago and got a bad grade in.

I don't shoot for perfection, I set my sights on slightly above average. I want to be a B student at life. There are things I do well, not everything mind you, and in those subjects I get an A. But then there are those subjects that bring my life GPA down, even if I'm not being graded in whistling. You don't have to do everything, be everything, and always be the best. Just give everything a fair shot and know when to throw in the towel, or when to just stop what you're doing and go make some cookies.

It's a Good Thing I Don't Make Resolutions

Yesterday Witten was sick/teething. I accomplished very little and ate approximately 6 granola bars instead of actual food. Today he is still kind of grouchy and I don't want to use what little down time I do have making my brain work. I haven't publicly worn yoga pants in a week, but my energy for most things is minimal. January is blah, it shouldn't require so much effort. Plus its literally 10 degrees outside, so I'm cold and my fingers are cold.

Instead of writing something insightful or some crap like that I'm just gonna post some pictures of Witten making me work to get him to smile. Cause he's cute and I like him. Like, a lot.

2013: The Year of the Yoga Pants

It is January 9th and so far this year I have only worn jeans one time, and not even for the whole day. I have worn the same three pairs of yoga pants, on rotation, for a week and a half. The number of times I've washed my hair can be counted on one hand, and the times I've bothered with makeup on one finger. I think I can officially make an announcement here: I have gotten lazy.

I don't look completely horrible, but I'm far from photo ready right now. I am getting a haircut tomorrow so maybe I will turn a page on this laziness, but that is doubtful. 

Right now I'm in denial and lazy about getting dressed. Tuesday I start a microbiology class that I am not looking forward to, and Alana just went back to school Monday, and I always have things to do, but in my mind it is still Christmas break when I didn't leave my house for a week or change anyone out of their pajamas. Good times.

I would rather sit on the couch holding my dude than wash my hair or blog. But I don't neglect everything, I've still cooked dinner and baked excessive amounts of things and my house is clean. Too bad people can't see that, all they can see is my yoga pants and Nikes and lack of makeup which is SCARY.

Everyone deserves a chance to recover from Christmas, I'm just extending mine longer than usual. I barely took my tree down on Monday, that's new record for me. My brain hasn't even begun to function properly in this new year, exhibited by this blog which has no direction and no end in sight and I'm just rambling on, hoping something will come to me before I have to get up and cook dinner and make my kids stop eating Cheetos so they will eat whatever dinner I cook.

Let's summarize here: I am lazy. I have sorta writer's block combined with a short attention span...look over there> granola bars! I have no desire to wear non-elastic pants or put on makeup, but after I get a hair cut tomorrow at least part of me will look not gross. Witten is trying to grab the keyboard so he can vouch for my short attention span, but I won't let him chew on it so he is getting mad and I think I'll end on that. Before everyone quits reading, which I would've done about 200 words ago.

The Thing About Politics

I must stay away from Facebook right now. Too many volatile status updates about the end of the world. Too much negativity. Too many sore losers. And on some level, I get it. I get the disappointment, but not the Oh my God they're gonna take my guns so I'm gonna move to Mexico! That'll solve everything! Mexico doesn't have any problems, that's totally why people from there are always trying to come here and find "a better life" cause Mexico is so awesome!

I get it. Your guy didn't win. You're mad. BUT THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT SO SUCK IT UP.

When it comes to politics in this small town I am a minority. I am, wait for it, a Democrat. Gasp! That is right. I am liberal. I am pro-choice, because although I don't think I could ever in a million years have an abortion, that isn't my decision to make for other people. Not my life, not my body, not my decision. Especially in the case of rape or incest. Men shouldn't even get an opinion on the subject of pregnancy caused by rape, I'm looking at you Todd Akin. I am for gay marriage, because I'm super liberal like that. Once again, not my life. Other people's marriages have no effect on me, what reason do I have to withhold the love/hate relationship that is marriage from other people. Also see: in-vitro fertilization, pell grants, child tax credit. All in my liberal agenda. And the thing about my opinion is that it is mine. You don't have to share it. I won't try to convince you otherwise. Believe what you will, unfriend or unfollow me if you want. But don't be so negative.

We are all a product of our environment. Nature vs nurture and all that jazz. My parents never discussed politics once in my childhood, but I somehow came out of it with this crazy mentality that everyone deserves the same opportunities in life.

No one is better than anyone else and I'm not here to say otherwise. Except that my baby is totally cuter than most, but that's not based on opinion, its fact. See:

If the shoe were on the other foot and the candidate that I didn't vote for had been elected, I know I would've been disappointed. But I wouldn't be making plans to move to Mexico. I'm way too white and my Spanish is horrible.

Gee, Thanks Mister!

Just found this religious pamphlet in my kids Halloween candy. This is way better than candy! Thanks to the anonymous person who snuck it in there with the Milky Ways and Snickers! Now I can throw away unwanted religious propaganda without even having to talk to some Jehovah's Witnesses that knocked on my door! 

Fall in Arizona

Fall in Arizona means the temperature drops below ninety. Yay! But its still warm enough to play in the water and work on your tan.

Pantless Saturday. It's Gonna Be a Thing

Putting Yourself Out There

When I was in kindergarten I regularly wrote letters to my best friend. They all said the same thing:

Dear Camille,
I love you.
Love,
Jennifer

The message was clear, concise, to the point. Plus I was in kindergarten so the words that I knew how to write were limited. I don't recall if she ever wrote anything back to me, but that wasn't what was important to me. What mattered to me was getting my feelings out, on paper, and making sure that she knew we were BFFs.

I shared this story of my love for my bestie with Alana, my always friendly kindergartener. This inspired her to write a letter of her own, which I'm kicking myself for not taking a picture of before she gave it away this morning.

Her letter said:

Kenna,
I love you.
From Alana.
From Ava.

She had no hesitation to write this letter. She even added a heart made of glitter glue in the corner. Glitter really solidifies the message she's trying to convey.

When she took her letter to school this morning I was kind of nervous for her. Although I know the recipient is a nice little girl who isn't about to crumple up the token of Alana's affection and throw it on the ground, I still feared her reaction. I was afraid of rejection for her, and its not even me putting my feelings out on the line. From a distance it appeared as if she really liked her letter, glitter heart and all. She carried it around the playground and didn't throw it down or anything.

Alana is never afraid to be anyone's friend. She isn't scared of rejection, or of them not liking her back. She just wants to play and laugh maniacally and run around till her face is red. She greets all of her classmates with the same enthusiasm everyday, hugs her teacher, high fives random aides at the playground.That's a good quality to have. Especially in kindergarten. But as her mom I'm scared for her. There will at some point be a mean little kid who doesn't want to be her friend. Who doesn't want to hear about how she went and saw ParaNorman. How she brought Spaghettios in her Tinkerbell thermos for lunch today. Then eventually there will be boys. Boys who don't like her back. Boys who are mean. Boys who break her heart. And I can't do anything to stop it. I don't want those people to change her and make her afraid of being someone's friend. I don't want fear to stop her from telling people how she feels.

Kindergarten me may have been unafraid to tell Camille "I love her" in a letter. But every other version of me wouldn't have been so open about my feelings. I was always afraid of rejection. Afraid of mean kids. Outgoing kids who didn't seem to care what others thought of them. Afraid of not being liked back. I never "made the first move" in friendship or with boys. If they weren't nice first, if they didn't show interest first, I didn't even talk to them. I never invited myself anywhere, because I didn't want to be unwanted. I waited till the other person said something first, to insure they were really my friend. With every high school boyfriend I ever had I was constantly wondering if he still liked me, if he was going to break up with me, if he thought I was annoying, if he liked somebody else better.

I wanted to be liked, but I wasn't about to talk to anyone so that they could get to know me. I didn't outgrow that till at least 18. I was so afraid of being that one person there that no one liked. No one wants to be the smelly kid, the weird kid, the ugly kid, the one who stands out because they just can't help it. I lacked the courage to stand out, but I wanted to be noticed. That's a weird combination. And a difficult one, because I wanted to be noticed for the right reasons, not because there was a "Kick me" sign on my back.

Alana is always loving, always open about how much she likes people, always ready to party. Everyone is her friend, even if she's only known them for 10 minutes. She's brave enough to let everyone know how much she likes them and lucky enough that so far everyone likes her back.

Funny Faces

 Sometimes the best way to get my kids to look at the camera is to take some pictures where we're goofing around. The only problem is that sometimes they forget when they're supposed to actually smile normal and we end up with 4 out of 5 people looking normal and Alana making a peace sign. As long as we're all in the picture I guess its okay. I keep it real. Honestly I only care whether or not I look stupid. As long as I look okay then the picture is fine. My kids are responsible for how they look, so if they want to make a stupid face then its on them.

The Fourth Trimester

Witten is 2 weeks old today and I'm sad. I'm sad that he is growing fast, although he is still a skinny little newborn. I'm sad that some days I feel like I don't get to hold him enough because every time he is asleep on me and I'm just minding my own business someone else wants to hold him or wants me to get them cereal or macaroni. I'm sad that he will only be a newborn for a short time.

There are things that I'm more neutral than sad about though. Maybe I'm not ecstatic, but I'm not crying about them. After you have a baby your body is tired. Like I fall asleep sitting up watching TV at night and one of my ankles got kind of swollen after I had him because I went to Target when he was 3 days old and that was a lot of standing for me. I have about 20 stitches and I wake up covered in sweat in the middle of the night. Those are things that are livable. I've dealt with them before, I know they're temporary.

In the past the one thing that has been really hard for me to deal with wasn't really something I could control. I can deal with night sweats and lots of stitches and one swollen ankle. The one thing that I hate postpartum is waiting for my belly to go down. I know its a temporary thing, I'm not completely irrational. My hips still have to go back to normal and I'm sure my uterus hasn't quite recovered, but I'm tired of wearing maternity pants.

Yesterday, against my better judgment, I put on 2 pairs of my regular pants. One of them is very elastic and fit and buttoned, but they did not look the way they normally look. The other ones don't stretch, and while they fit over my hips they were about an inch from buttoning. It was a little depressing, but not totally unexpected. I knew that they weren't really going to fit yet. I made the mistake of trying on pants too early after I had Alana. I didn't realize that my hips had gotten bigger while preparing to have a baby. The thought didn't even cross my mind. Now I know better, but I was curious I guess. Now when I try them on again in another 2 weeks I will know I've gotten skinnier, cause they will fit better. Maybe they'll even button.

The biggest mystery for a lot of women, especially when they're pregnant with their first baby, is how fast their body will bounce back. I don't know if there is a secret to it, probably diet and exercise, yuck, but for the most part it is just luck. If you only gain what you're supposed to gain your life will be easier. But that doesn't mean you will be wearing a bikini ever again.

I'm pretty sure my ab muscles threw in the towel around January, so they aren't excited about the prospect of looking normal again. Whether they're on the bandwagon or not my stomach shrinks a little bit more each day, and I've sort of been keeping track of it just so I can know how long till I look normalish again. Aside from my regular jeans not really fitting that great, at least I don't look pregnant anymore. Behold: the backwards belly shots, starting from the day after I had him while I was still in the hospital. I must be crazy for taking pictures of my belly while its clearly not flat, but for the purpose of keeping it real I'm not going to pretend that we don't all still look pregnant the day/week/month or however long after we give birth.


*****Post edit: I got weighed at an appointment the day after I wrote this and the grand total was 135 pounds. That puts me down 20 and about 10 off of what I normally weigh, but since I'm 5'7" I'm still in a healthy weight range. I don't love weighing 135 pounds, but I'll take it since I just had a baby 2 weeks ago.

At this point my stomach is flat enough, but if I want to wear jeans they are my maternity ones. Lucky for me I have a lot of maternity pants and shorts. I don't own a scale so I have no idea what I weigh but I know that the number the scale says doesn't matter as much to me as my reflection in the mirror.

Lucky for me this little guy is totally worth it.