One is the Loneliest Number

Oh my boy, how has it already been a whole year since I first met you, first held you? I already miss that 8 pound boy who curled up on my chest every night, I miss watching you sleep and pretending that I had nothing else I had to do, pretending I could just hold you forever. The newborn phase is so fleeting, plus there are so many emotions that go with it. You were tiny for just a minute, and while I was looking away you grew up.

There were days when you were sleeping when I would just sit and watch you, then obsessively take dozens of photos of your tiny perfect lips, trying to remember forever how small you started out. If I could've held you for every nap you took I would've, and now looking back I wish I'd held you more, stared at you more, smelled that new baby smell on your neck even more.

When you were only one month old Alana started kindergarten, which made our lives a little busier. Gone were the days of sitting around our house all day, suddenly I had to pick you up mid-nap to get Alana from school. A little piece of me died every time I had to wake you up from a nap to get into the car. I hated that part. But you were a trooper, you usually went back to sleep in your carseat, accepting the lot in life that is being the youngest child. I guess in a way you kind of got jipped, being the youngest. You never got to just stay home all day with me, sitting around. You came out and were a man on the go, having to take your naps at the playground and in your seat at the grocery store. I'm sorry for that dude, but there's not much I can do about it.

As every month went by, I sat in disbelief at how big you were growing. Your crazy brown hair stood on end for awhile, till it grew long enough to lay down just based on it weight. Your perfect boy lips grew more kissable, and you kept on stealing my heart everyday. When you learned to smile you were stingy with them at first, mostly reserving them for me which I didn't mind at all. I don't know if you were trying to be the strong and silent type or not, but you abandoned that after not too long.

Every milestone you took made me both happy and sad. I was happy for you, but sad for me. Not that I didn't want you to grow and learn, but growing up is a hard thing to watch for me. I'm glad to be here to see it, but I hate that it has to happen.

The weird thing about seeing your baby grow up is that it happens both slowly and quickly. Some days it seems like they will never learn to sit up, then you can't remember a time when they couldn't sit up. The first year includes so many milestones that its hard to even grasp the concept that one year ago this person who is pushing cars around the room and making Vroom, Vroom! noises was just a little 8 pound guy who stared back at me after getting evicted, unsure of why it was just so bright and loud.

Every holiday we celebrated with you was bittersweet, because it was my "last" first holiday. Your first Christmas? My "last" first Christmas. Your first Halloween? My "last" first Halloween. Now you've run out of first holidays, and so have I.

I don't even know how to come to terms with you turning one. I guess I have no choice really, you are one, there's nothing I can do about it. You don't always let me hold you and snuggle you anymore, you want down to play with cars. You begrudgingly let me kiss you, but only reciprocate with slobbery open mouth kisses half of the time. If you didn't still nurse you would probably never sit on my lap contentedly, just happy to be with me. You have stuff to do, things to get into, objects to break. And I understand, I guess. We all grow up, move on, but why you? Why my baby, and so soon?

Before I know it you will be going off to do things without me, independent and wild and free. And I will cry, but that won't stop you. You have to do it, its part of life. Not my favorite part, but one of the parts that I can't change.

I just hope you know my dude that even though it makes me sad to see how you've grown, I wouldn't trade my front row seat to it for anything. Not even all the cookies in the world, and we all know how much I love cookies.