Deny Deny Deny

In 1 day Witten will be one. And I'm avoiding it, avoiding this blog where I will write things and think about it, avoid looking at pictures where he was tiny (8 lbs is tiny when you look at the big picture), avoid staring at him sleeping and wonder just WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHY DID TIME GO SO FAST?!!!

I hate pre-birthdays. They make me as sad as actual birthdays. I have intentionally avoided writing this post due to sadness over my baby growing up too fast, so now that its in my brain get it out of there, where are the cookies for distraction purposes? 

Damn these babies, growing and learning things. He is this close to walking  by himself. Steps have been taken, and he falls and gets right back up, insisting on being a grown-ass man. I hate it, but at the same time I feel pure joy when he takes a few wobbly steps across the room. If he's my last baby, then is the last time I will watch one of my kids take this journey, from speed crawling to drunken walking to unstable running. He has already run out of first holidays, and a lot of his other firsts are long behind him, I don't know what I'll do when he is a full-out kid, walking and talking and playing.

So my strategy is instead to pretend that tomorrow isn't his birthday. Pretend that I won't have a one year old who insists on growing up too quickly. Deny that he doesn't smell like a newborn anymore, deny that he can walk (sort of), and deny that he no longer curls up in a little ball and sleeps on my chest like he used to do. If I just pretend that he's little, and deny that my baby is getting bigger everyday, then it won't happen right? He can just stay little and I will snuggle him all day and smell his neck because he will still smell like a baby. That's settled then, I'm going with denial.