Conflict of Interest

My head and heart are engaged in a heated internal debate. They are fighting with each other, no end in sight, over whether one more kid is a good idea.

My head says Hey lady, you remember how Ava acted at the grocery store yesterday? She won't ride in the cart, she's too heavy to carry around and push the cart, and she wants to run around everywhere like a crazy woman. You wanna do that again? I don't think so!

My heart says But look at your two ladies, they're so cute! And they are so well-behaved!

My head responds Well-behaved? Whose kids are you looking at? They might be nice now, but take Ava out in public, she's a houligan!

My heart says You can't even watch a little baby on TV without gushing over it's cuteness! And you just got a brand new fancy camera, it would be outright wasteful to not use it to take pictures of a newborn baby.

My head weighs in with Do you really want to buy diapers for another two years of your life? And nurse another baby, who considers your boobs their personal property?

My heart is waiting with Look at Ava's feet. They're hardly baby feet anymore. They're chubby toddler feet, with chipped purple nail polish and bonafide dirt on them. Remember how much you love baby feet, then give me an answer. Don't forget how much you also love baby hands, baby necks, baby smell. The way they nestle their little heads into your chest to go to sleep. The way they sleep everywhere, in any position, when they're brand new. And they're so soft!

My head says Isn't it annoying eating with one hand? Wouldn't you prefer it if no one fished around in your drink for a piece of ice when you're at a restaurant? Remember how much of a handful Ava was at Disneyland? She threw up on the way there, and back. She wouldn't ride in a stroller, a leash proved ineffective. Wouldn't it be nice if when she gets through that phase you never had another headstrong 18 month old to deal with? Don't you want to be able to go on vacation on a regular basis while your girls are kids? Only having two kids makes that a whole lot more doable.

My heart doesn't listen. It says You know you like being pregnant. You don't have to share that little baby, you get to feel their kicks and have a constant reminder of them for 9 months. Plus you never have to suck in your stomach!

My head says Then as soon as you give birth you feel pressure to be skinny again. You need to wear your regular jeans again, have a flat stomach again, weigh 125 lbs again. Nobody warned you about that the first time, or the rock hard boobs for that matter. Don't forget about the stitches. Ouch!

My heart says No matter what your head says, can you live with yourself if you only have two kids? Sure you can always hold another baby, but that's not the same. You can't go back in time to have one more kid.

My head says You already have two healthy kids. Be happy with what you have. It's much easier to provide for two kids than three. You don't have room in your car or house or dresser for anymore people. Just be grateful for your girls.

My heart and my head will not agree. It's a standoff. My head is practical, but it's not really the boss around here. I am a woman after all, and my heart and hormones are usually in charge. My head is winning the debate right now, but Ava is helping it make that decision. God forbid she start behaving, then I'm in trouble. The odds of that happening are pretty slim though.