The Possibility of If

I spent my weekend in a limbo of If and When. I had weird suspicions that there was a possibility that I was pregnant. I'm not, confirmed by my doctor. Let's just get that out of the way right now. My mind was busy pondering possible scenarios that would happen if I had a third baby right now. If I was pregnant right now, I would be due in September. If I was due in September I'd have a long, hot summer ahead of me. If it was a long, hot summer I'd need to go to the pool A LOT. If I was having another baby I will get less sleep. If Ava's not potty trained before then we'll have to buy diapers for two kids at a time again, which is dreaded and expensive.

I was very distracted all weekend. Then we got our W2, so I filed our taxes. Yay! What I spend tax money on would be partially determined by a potential unborn baby. If I'm having another baby, I'm gonna have to buy a new carseat, since I was pretty quick to sell the last one. What if it's a boy? I have no boy things, I'd be so unprepared! Boys are gross. What if he pees on me? And lets face it, he probably would.

We had a Disneyland if while waiting to file taxes. If we get enough money back, we are going to Disneyland again! We are getting plenty, we are going. Yay! Now I just have to wait the ridiculous amount of time till we get the money, since the IRS doesn't accept returns till the 14th, so even though I efiled we don't get our return till the 28th. That seems like forever. What if they don't accept them because I made a dumb mistake, then we have to refile and wait longer? I may have put my own last name wrong on a return a couple of years ago. Its all speculation though, nothing can be proven.

There were too many ifs to consider while watching the news Saturday. There was a huge shooting in Tucson, where a Congresswoman that I like and support was shot, and several other people were killed and injured, including a nine year old girl. Too many ifs surrounded this event. It hit so close to home. I lived in Tucson the first half of my life, and now I only live about 40 miles away. What if I had gone to this event? I've always wanted to meet her, and she holds small public events like this frequently. What if someone else I knew had been there, even just as bystander, going to the grocery store or something? Seeing a tragedy like this on a familiar backdrop, somewhere I would normally consider a safe place, really stuck with me.

Of all the ifs and whens of my weekend, I'm glad they're mostly all gone. I know things with certainty right now. I know there is no baby in my immediate future, and although I was slightly relieved, I was also disappointed. Its a pain to try to get pregnant, it would've been kind of nice to do it without the extra work and planning. I know the awesomely large amount of our tax return. I'd like to thank my children, because although they cost lots of money the whole year through, they are an awesome deduction. I know when and if we're going to Disneyland, and I'm excited. I love me some Mickey Mouse. I know everyone that I know and care about is safe, for now.