Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Last Birthday Card I'll Ever Get

This past week my Little Grandma passed away. 

Even though she's gone I still continue to receive correspondence from her.

She had just turned 80 in February. You're only as young as you feel inside though. When she turned 80 my family had a big birthday party for her, just like they did when she turned 70 and 75.

I didn't get to go. I had planned on it, but it was the night before we were going to Disneyland and Alana threw up. Once your kid pukes, you usually cancel all plans immediately following, so as not to be vomited on in public.

I had guilt at the time for not going to her party. If the roles were reversed she would've come to any party for me. But with time that guilt faded. A little. Till yesterday.

While going through my grandma's stuff my mom found a card that she had for me. My birthday is only a few days after her's, so she had gotten me a birthday card. She couldn't drive herself around anymore and she had an oxygen tank that went with her everywhere, yet she had taken the time to pick out a card for me and take it with her to her birthday party because she thought she would see me there. Then I didn't show up.

Now I have this card that she picked out for me and bought and signed, and she didn't even get to give it to me in person. The card is pink and talks about how granddaughters are a blessing and she signed it Love, Little Grandma. In her time tested cursive handwriting. That is the last card I will ever get from her. No more birthdays, no more Christmas cards. Nothing. And she didn't even get to give it to me.

Now I am in the running for worst granddaughter ever. Its a close race, but I think I'm at the top of the lineup. Because I didn't go to my grandma's birthday party, to get a card that she picked out for me especially because she remembered my birthday.

I'll take my award now please. Unless I have to show up for some ceremony or something. Cause I probably won't be able to make it. Sorry Little Grandma.


Kerri said...

Oh, Jennifer, that's tough. I'm sorry about your grandma. Something similar happened to me years ago. I wrote a letter to my great aunt who battled cancer for years. That letter sat in my desk drawer in my bedroom for a couple of weeks, and I kept saying I'd mail it later. She passed away before I ever had the chance to send it. I still have the letter, fully addressed and with a stamp on it. I can't bring myself to throw it away.

Rukhpar Mor said...

I'm so sorry....the best you can do now is pray for her...i know it's hard, but don't blame yourself...=(

V said...

AWh Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. I am very close with my grandmother, and I can't even imagine life with out her. But thats the great things about grandmothers who love you, although we get really busy with our own lives.. they understand because they went through it too, and they love us so much. RIP little Grandma. PS, I call my still alive grandmother "little yia-yia" which is grandma in greek. lol

The Mrs. said...

Oh Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. ((HUGS)) If there is anything I can do please let me know.

You are not the worst granddaughter, and you know that. Your little grandma never thought that.

I will keep you in my prayers, and please, if you need someone, I'm here!

Kathy said...

oh honey...she never thought you were the worst granddaughter. She understood, more than most, what it means to be a mom. It was her greatest role. She was very proud of you and proud of the girls. You don't have a thing to be ashamed of. You put Alana's needs first and she knew that. I'll be coming over next week to bring you the jewelry she left you. It's not much but you did share the same birthstone so it's yours by default.
Love mom

Jennifer said...

I don't really think I'm the worst granddaughter ever. But getting a card from her after she died was kind of depressing. I'm just saying.

Kathy Kloos said...

I know but she meant for you to have it and I know..I would have freaked out a little if I had found something for myself.

Coleen Cruz said...

Jennifer, as your mom said to me the other day, " if we don't have to go through the bad times, how can we appreciate the goods times." Little Gramma lived by that and she thought you were a wonderful mother! She said, " Well that's a shame that she can't be here,I sure hope Alana is O.K." She was never thinking about herself, she was thinking of you and your daughter's well being. You have inherited the "my kids come first gene! You are wonderful and I love you so much! Love, Aunt Coleen

sEy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your little grandma would understand why you didn't showed up.

we hate you. love, us said...

I'm so sorry...she sounds like an extremely thoughtful and wonderful grandma.

Mary Nevin said...

i'm sorry for your loss. don't spend too much time in guilt. i'm sure your beautiful little grandma knows how much you loved her. she is part of what makes you the great mom you are :)


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