Wednesday, November 18, 2015

How to lose friends and ostracize people, all from the comfort of home

When you go on Facebook, do you scroll through your newsfeed and think "Wow, there is too much tolerance and crap on here, but what can I do about it?" If that sounds like you, I have some important advice on what to do, sure to get rid of any liberal friends you may have left, all from the comfort of your own home!

Do you hate orphans? Refugees? Gay marriage? Anyone on government assistance regardless of their level of need? Do you really have a grudge against Planned Parenthood? And the President? And everyone? Hurry, act now, while they're vulnerable. Post about how you hate those things! The more racist, the better! Once they know how you feel, they'll surely change their mind!

I have found, through extensive online research, that the more you talk about your racist and homophobic opinions on social media, the more people will agree with you! And if they don't surrender and admit you are right, screw 'em! Unfriend them, call them names, go ahead and disown them. Moderation isn't necessary, neither is respect. These people don't agree with you, therefore they are stupid. Call them names, tell them you're voting for Donald Trump because clearly he has what it takes to run our country, and then if they are still talking to you, tell them they're adopted. Works every time!

If you still find that you have too many friends, you aren't being racist enough. Deny racism exists, this is especially great if you are white and middle class. Clearly, you are an expert on our country and its socioeconomic status, you know all of the things there are to know about minorities and systemic racism. If people can read your posts and comments without getting nauseous and having a crisis of faith in your friendship, you aren't being extreme enough. Try spelling things wrong and writing in ALL CAPS. That should push things over the edge.

I personally can testify that all of these things on Facebook are enough to make me want to delete my account, so I know they work! Good job to everyone who rants about ignorant stuff and makes rude comments behind the false security provided to them by the internet! If you won't say it to someone's face, you should definitely say it to them on the internet! They don't have feelings on the internet, that's just science! Keep up the good work!

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