Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Please refrain from becoming a toddler

Oh squishy boy, you are the best. I don't know what I did to deserve you, especially after declaring myself to be done with babies. But you, you are a light in my life. You are fat and jolly and love to crawl everywhere and get into everything.
You have 2 sharp teeth that you use to eat anything you find on the floor, especially paper. You love to be entertained and carried around, and you are a giant momma's boy.
The thing is, you are 11 months old now. I know, that happened fast. I just brought your tiny newborn self home from the hospital. I held you sleeping on my chest as much as humanly possible, because time hates me and I knew if I blinked you would grow up. So I didn't blink, but you did it anyway. Now you're trying to walk, and I must ask that you cease and desist all toddler-like activities. Self-feeding? Cut that crap out. Walking? NO. Having too many opinions? Not allowed. Clapping and waving and generally interacting with everyone? While cute, still forbidden. You are not allowed to keep doing this to me. I cannot take toddlerhood so soon. I miss my baby already. You represent that whole part of my life. I don't get anymore chances, you are the final chapter of me being a mom to a baby. After this kid, I'm out.

While I do feel a small bit of me is ready to move on, that part of me is a minority and I am not listening to her. She's dumb and far too rational. You will be a baby to me forever. I will hold you and cuddle you till you're taller than me, you basically have no say in that. I am not as big of a fan of toddlers, due to their incessant opinions and thinking they're in charge. I like babies, please stay one. If there is anything I can do to change your mind about growing up, let me know. I am open to suggestions.

I'm glad we had this talk, so if you could just go ahead and postpone turning one in 3 weeks, we can work out a deal where I allow you to eat cookies or whatever paper you find on the floor as often as you like. I'm not above bribery, just ask Witten, I've been using it as a cornerstone for parenting him for some time. He also might be able to offer you tips in manipulating me by being extremely cute and stubborn, but I think you might be able to figure some of that out by yourself, judging by your handsome smile and overall chubbiness.

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