Sunday, December 7, 2014

Weird things to be sad about

When most people look back at the time they spent pregnant, I doubt they miss it. Really, its physically difficult. And there's many hormones, so you're a little crazy. But all of that aside, I'm always sad to be done with it.

39 weeks pregnant, the day before I had Liam

Its a weird feeling, to miss being this uncomfortable. But once the baby is out, they start to grow up. Once they are out, you have to share them. Once they are out, you get significantly less sleep, for like, ever. I miss the kicking and the belly and the joyful anticipation of expecting to meet a new little person. I don't get it, but after pregnancy is over its like I forget that I spent so many months not really feeling that great. That part seems insignificant, because there's a baby. And pregnancy is much easier than labor, and actually having to push out a baby. That part is made better because epidurals, but its still not the easiest thing you'll ever do. 

37 weeks pregnant

Pregnancy makes you irrational. You do strange things, like dress up as a jack o'lantern for Halloween, then eat all of the Reeses out of your kids candy. You are slightly grouchier, compounded by the endless dumb comments people make, especially when they find out you already have 3 other kids. Everyone wants to know if you're "done" but in all honesty, I will never feel "done". I will always feel sad that I'm not having more kids babies. I will always miss those kicks, even the forceful ones. And I know how fast babies grow up, Liam is already going to be 3 weeks old tomorrow. That will always make me ache just a little, or a lot, because you can't get that time back.

35 weeks
34 weeks
32 weeks
I got sad when I had to leave the hospital after having Liam. Not because I didn't want to go home, although at home no one brings me ice water and drugs at the push of a button, but because it felt so final. I cried when my doctor came to check on me, because I knew that this was my last baby he would deliver. I got teary being wheeled out of my hospital room, because it felt like a whole chapter of my life was done with. The whole part of my life where I'm pregnant/have a tiny new baby is over, and I don't know how to get closure. I don't know how to be okay with it, and having more kids isn't the answer, because I was sad to not be pregnant anymore after each of my kids. 

29 weeks

Once you aren't pregnant anymore, and I mean like a day later, its hard to remember exactly how it feels to be pregnant. Maybe in some cases this is so women will have more than one child. If they remembered exactly how miserable its possible to be, they would never want to be pregnant again. I'm not saying pregnancy is easy, or that its never miserable, which makes it that much weirder to miss it. One day you can't see or even reach your feet, and then suddenly the next day there they are, right where you left them. One day you have this massive hard, round belly. The next day its smaller, more awkward, and even though you still kind of look pregnant, no one is in there kicking you. 
23 weeks
20 weeks
19 weeks
The only thing that's worse to me than not remembering exactly how it feels to be pregnant is forgetting what my kids were like as babies. You forget how small they start out, and that memory of a freshly delivered baby on your chest, whose little butt fits perfectly in your hand, it fades. You forget how much they really sleep, because all you can remember is how tired you were. You forget when they first learned to smile, because that time when they hadn't learned yet is so short and fleeting. You forget how amazing a freshly bathed newborn baby smells, because even the cleanest kid smells a little bit like dirt. 

Maybe there's a reason we don't remember, because its too sad. Because the ache of thinking of how fast they grow is too much to bear, and we as moms cannot handle it. They change quickly, but gradually, so that one day you blink and your baby is grown up and you don't know exactly how you got to this place. Suddenly they are too big to snuggle on your chest, but conveniently big enough to read you books. They don't need your help to do everything, but you still need them because without them you don't even know what to do with yourself. I guess its not that weird of a thing to be sad about, even if you're powerless to change it, pregnancy is only 9 months, and childhood is even shorter. 

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