Monday, October 1, 2012

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Tomorrow my baby girl will be six. These feelings of nostalgia and Where exactly has the time gone? are inevitably rising to the surface. Six years, just like that. Six years of my life have passed with this girl, and I can't really remember what life was life before her.
This little person changed everything about our lives. And now I'm feeling sad and torturing myself with old pictures.

This little girl is now sitting at the kitchen table writing down stuff like I like the tent & I like the Kenna WITHOUT ME telling her how to spell them. What happened to my baby? The one who used to take bubble baths and run around like a crazy person. I guess she still does those things, but she is way bigger.
My nostalgia and denial have only increased over the last 48 hours. Plus she keeps reminding me that tomorrow is her birthday. I'm gonna be 6! And next I'll be 7, then 8, then 9.....Whoa, slow down lady! Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let me deal with this growing up thing one age at a time please.
The reality of growing up is that the older your kids get the less time you will inevitably spend with them. I've spent all this time raising this little girl and now she leaves me for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Someday she'll go out with her friends, drive herself places, play school sports. Grow up and spend time away from me, just when she's getting really fun to hang out with. Self sufficiency is kind of the goal here, but does she need to do it so well.

I'm secretly, okay thanks to this blog it's not so secret anymore, a big, wimpy, emotional sap. I cried when she went to kindergarten, I cry when I look at old pictures and home videos, I'm crying as I type this. I own this human, why does everybody want me to share her? You can't make me!

The more she grows the harder it is for me to recognize the baby in her. When I look at the pictures from her first couple of years its hard to associate that little strong willed person with the big strong willed person she is now.

She keeps growing as a person and being such a good big sister, a job she's been really excited about both times.
With every passing birthday she grows up and further away from me. Every day she gets further away from the baby that she used to be, and closer to the person she'll end up as. She wants so badly to learn and do good in school and that's exactly what she's doing. Learning and writing stuff and constantly coloring and making masterpieces.
These kids are trying to give me gray hair. With the growing up and the passing of time in the blink of an eye. I'm pretty sure she just turned five yesterday. It's not in my head, that's what happened.

It's strange to me how she can still look so peaceful when she sleeps, which she does willingly.
I know that Alana is excited to turn 6, but birthdays to me are always going to be bittersweet. On one hand I'm glad that she's happy and excited and healthy, on the other hand I'm sad that another year passed when I apparently had my eyes closed for one second. Just when I got used to 5, 6 is there ready to slap me in the face.

I think I'll miss five year old Alana. Five was a great year. Five brought lost teeth and the Tooth Fairy. Five brought kindergarten and a love of learning. Five brought me a nice witch on Halloween and a girl who was on "The Good List" at Christmas. Five brought skinned knees and gaps in her smile. Five brought lots of colorings and letters and drawings, none of which I can even begin to imagine throwing away. Five was the year when my fridge became wallpapered in masterpieces. Five was a year of love when Alana became a big sister for a second time, then proceeded to smother her baby brother with incessant kisses. Five year old Alana was loving, sweet, eager to learn, smart, caring, and mostly well behaved. I don't know what six year old Alana will be like, I haven't met her yet. But if she's anything like five year old Alana, she'll fit right in.

1 comment:

Coleen Hall said...

Jennifer Marie, she is absolutely beautiful just like your other two babies. YOU are amazing as a mother, a wife, a writer and a woman. I cried right along with you while I was reading this. It described how I felt when my little girl started grouping up, but I didn't write my feelings down. I wish I had, but then I'd be crying every time I looked back. I am so proud of who you are. I want you to know that even though we don't spend much time together, I love you. I always have and always will! Love, Aunt Coleen


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