I did not plan on getting pregnant with Alana. She was a surprise. A surprise I love, but a surprise nonetheless. I liked my surprise so much I decided I needed another one. Not so much a surprise, but an invited guest.
When I did plan on getting pregnant, I had a miscarriage. So much for planning. I set myself for heartache. For disappointment. I tried to purposely plan something that's not a sure thing, and I paid a price for it. That's all trying to have a baby is. A game of luck. You have to put yourself out there, set yourself up for failure. Every month is a chance. It could go your way, but you never know. You plan. Then you wait. You wait for an answer. Some lines. Or a monthly visitor to tell you what the next nine months of your life is going to be like.
Waiting is killer. Every minute can take forever. It's ironic that we spend so much of our lives trying to prevent pregnancy, then when we try to achieve it it seems impossible.
I'm still on the fence about a third baby. I don't know if I want to have to try again. Keep track of things. Try to plan. Set myself up for disappointment. I know it's worth it, but I'm undecided. That's why I've decided to wing it. Leave it up to fate. If it happens, hooray. If not, oh well, it wasn't meant to be.
Fate can be cruel, but so can contractions. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. Literally.
I'm gonna leave it up to my uterus. It can decide. It might want to flip a coin, play paper-rock-scissors with my fallopian tubes, see what's in the stars, whatever. It's a big part of baby making, so whatever it decides is good.
But there's one condition. I'm giving it a time constraint. It has approximately one year-ish to make up it's mind. After that, I'm done. I will faithfully take my annoying birth control forever after that. Now I just have to wait and see what's in the cards for me. I tell myself it's okay either way, but a tiny part of me will be disappointed if I don't have one more baby. Part of me is gung-ho, team baby. The part that didn't just yell at Alana for kicking a ball in the house. That part of me wants another little monster. The rest of me is good either way.
The team baby part wouldn't mind doing this again.