Thursday, April 23, 2015

You may be right, I may be crazy

I have diagnosed myself with a medical condition, its called Motherhood. Symptoms include exhaustion, being completely irrational, crying while watching commercials, crying for no reason, and crying at the OB/GYN office for no reason. There is no cure, there is only cookies to numb the pain. If you feel like Motherhood is also making you crazy, look at a sleeping baby/child, that usually helps me to remember that I like my children and should keep them.

The thing I never understood about my own personal struggle accepting Motherhood is when I was younger I didn't really plan on having kids. Then it happened, and now I wonder if I will ever regain my sanity. Four kids later and Motherhood has run its course on me, I have all of the symptoms, especially the crying ones. It would appear that I cannot visit my doctor's office without crying at some point, even if that point happens in my minivan (another symptom of Motherhood) while sitting in the parking lot. While I feel happy with the amount of children I have, and my youngest is only 5 months old, I still get sad when I see a lot of pregnant women. Its not rational, its not explainable, but it happens. 

The number one question I am asked since being diagnosed with Motherhood is Are you done having kids? I would like to know what the appropriate answer is. I usually say yes, 4 is probably fine and I'm pushing the limits of my sanity as it is. But in reality, its more complicated than that. Do I feel  ready to let go of that part of my life? No. Do I think 5 is that big of a difference and I would be infinitely more crazy? No again. Does the thought of never having more babies make me a little sad? Of course, babies are the best and I would have 10 if I could. There's a big emotional and insane part of me that can relate to the Duggars and their 19 children, because if I could keep having babies indefinitely and never run out of newborn snuggles and slobbery baby kisses and super fat baby thighs, I probably would. Would I be poor and crazy for doing so? Without a doubt. But look at this baby:

This baby is worth whatever I went through to get him. He is sweet and fat and slobbers all over the place. I like to squish him all day and he can't roll over yet because I hate to put him down but I don't care cause I don't want him getting into stuff yet. This baby is perfect, and if I had permanently said I was "done" having babies after I had Witten, I wouldn't have this fat baby to squeeze. I thought I didn't want more, but crazy old me was wrong. 

I will never say I'm "done" with babies, even if I don't have any more. Because Motherhood has caused such permanent insanity that I cannot bring myself to do so. Yes, pregnancy is physically one of the hardest things to do, and yes, raising kids and giving up both sleep and mental clarity is challenging, but fat babies make it worth it. That's why all mothers are all a little insane, and cry over commercials and grieve over things that will never happen, because fat babies made them do it. A fat baby is making me type this right now, and I always do what he says. He's very convincing.
Look into my eyes Mommy. You will do what I say, and you will like it. 

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