Life on the Hamster Wheel

I feel like I'm busy. At 7:40 I take Alana to school. Then I come home. Then I do various domestic & parenting tasks. Then David comes home for lunch. Then I drive him back to work. Then more domestic & parenting & homework tasks. Then pick up Alana from school. Then homework & parenting & domestic tasks. Then pick up David from work. Then dinner & bathtime & parenting tasks. Then sleep. Briefly. Then midnight parenting tasks. Then brief periods of sleep & TV that I don't remember. Then start again the next morning, earlier than I'd prefer.

Everyday is basically the same tasks, the same order. There's naps & eating & feeding Witten & putting Ava's pants & shoes back on 6.4 times a day & driving back & forth. My days pass quicker than they ever have & somewhere in there I have to remember to stop & look around. Ava is playing by herself & Witten is sleeping & I'm just trying to wash dishes & do my homework in the breaks.

All I really want to do is sit with this dude and stare at his handsome face.

But then he eventually goes to sleep. And I can't hold him for his entire nap, cause of various reasons like its not practical, I have to pee & eat, Ava needs me to get her stuff, and I don't want him to need to be held when he's asleep.

As much as I'd like to hold him forever, at some point there is a nagging voice in my head telling me to put him down. Reminding me of all of the stuff I should probably be doing. Nag, nag, nag. Shut up voice, I'll do my homework the day its due, I'm phoning it in this semester. The dishes don't need done right this second. The world will not end if I don't fold the laundry immediately after I take it out of the dryer.

Throughout the business and going going going of my day I have to make time to spend with my baby. Nursing helps with that, its something that only I can do for him. But the constant getting in the car means he takes a lot of naps in his carseat. I have to remind myself that with the constant going and picking up and dishwashing and repetitiveness of everyday he is growing up.

That's why on weekends I attempt to do nothing but hold him and lay around. Put a stop to the constant going of the weekdays, where I'm always doing something, treading water, never really accomplishing anything significant. I have to stop and smell the roses, despite what the voices in my head tell me about accomplishing things. And I've never really liked the smell of roses.