Five is Old and I'm Depressed

Today Alana is 5. I don't have much to say about it because I'm kind of in disbelief. That's a lie, I have plenty to say about it but it all makes me want to cry. Five is old. Five is old enough to start kindergarten. Tomorrow I'll be buying her a training bra, than she will get her drivers license and graduate from high school. That's how fast time is going!

We had a small party at the park yesterday, but I don't have any pictures cause they're on my sister's camera. Canon sent me an email Thursday saying they shipped my camera back and it should arrive Monday, just in time for me to miss her party and birthday. I'm pretty annoyed, but I guess I'll live. I'll make her a cupcake and let her blow out the candles again, since they wouldn't stay lit at the park yesterday and you can't make a wish without blowing out the candles.

She has been everything to me since she was born, cause that is what a first born does. They change your life and make you see what you didn't know you were missing. She's a contradiction everyday, sweet & sassy, girly and a little bit tomboy, obedient and defiant, a lover of Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars and broccoli, not together of course. She is a good big sister one minute, then they are engaged in a fierce pillow pet battle, then they like each other again. It's a vicious cycle of sibling rivalry.

Alana is excited to go to school next year, but I know Ava and I will miss her. She is always so excited for new things, like her witch costume for Halloween and our Christmas time trip to Disneyland. She is growing up against my will. I told her she was forbidden to turn five, and just like that she did it anyway.

Every single day I hug her, cause I know one day she won't be as willing to hug me back. Then after she falls asleep I lay down next to her for just a few minutes, trying to absorb all that I can of that moment before I blink and she's having another birthday. Every night when I'm trying to freeze time my eyes fill up with tears because sometimes I miss the baby version of her, the one that needed me more, the one who I centered my universe around.

I love the current version of her more and more every day, but that person changes when I'm not looking into someone more and more grown up, till one day she'll be unrecognizable to me as the baby who slept on my chest, and the little girl who wanted me to blow bubbles with her, and the five year old obsessed with attaining a Doodle Bear and who still let me hold her hand in public.

Goodbye to 4 year old Alana, I'll miss you as much as I miss 1, 2 & 3 year old Alana. Maybe I'll miss 5 year old Alana too when that time comes, ask me tomorrow when she's turning six.

Birthdays 1, 2, 3 & 4. 5 is coming soon, so it's to be continued.