The Shortest Years of My Life

There is surely a space/time paradox involved with childhood, especially that first year of babyhood. One day you are pregnant, then the next day they are already turning one, walking around, getting into things, being wild hooligan children. Time is cruel. I hate it.

I get all weepy when my kids turn a new age, as if I didn't just have an entire year to prepare myself for this moment. The problem with that is that I just spent the year adjusting to the age they just turned. I'll just be coming to terms with 2, then BAM!, they're 3. I cannot imagine how I'll feel when they are grown, I don't even like thinking about it.

When I had Alana I can't remember any real disbelief at how fast she grew. Truth is, I wanted her to be bigger, do more things. That was so naive of me. But still, before I knew it, she was one.

When I had Ava I realized just how quickly my first baby had grown up. Suddenly Alana seemed huge, and I got a reality check about how fast the last two years had gone. Ava's first year was gone in a moment, and before I knew it I was on here whining about Ava's birthday. Now she is 3, going on 13, and its hard to believe she used to be a small and shy baby girl.

Now that I'm on my third (and possibly final) kid, you would think I was more prepared for his first birthday. Not that I'm unprepared, I have party stuff and we bought him a present on wheels cause this dude loves him some cars and he is wearing big boy clothes more than onesies. Its that I'M NOT READY TO LET GO OF BABYHOOD. Can you hear me on that one? I can't handle how fast my boy has grown up. Witten is my little guy, he is sweet and cuddly, but one year olds are monsters and I'm not ready for that stage yet. Ready or not though, he is one and he is a monster. A cute, lovable monster, but a monster.

One is the Loneliest Number

Oh my boy, how has it already been a whole year since I first met you, first held you? I already miss that 8 pound boy who curled up on my chest every night, I miss watching you sleep and pretending that I had nothing else I had to do, pretending I could just hold you forever. The newborn phase is so fleeting, plus there are so many emotions that go with it. You were tiny for just a minute, and while I was looking away you grew up.

There were days when you were sleeping when I would just sit and watch you, then obsessively take dozens of photos of your tiny perfect lips, trying to remember forever how small you started out. If I could've held you for every nap you took I would've, and now looking back I wish I'd held you more, stared at you more, smelled that new baby smell on your neck even more.

When you were only one month old Alana started kindergarten, which made our lives a little busier. Gone were the days of sitting around our house all day, suddenly I had to pick you up mid-nap to get Alana from school. A little piece of me died every time I had to wake you up from a nap to get into the car. I hated that part. But you were a trooper, you usually went back to sleep in your carseat, accepting the lot in life that is being the youngest child. I guess in a way you kind of got jipped, being the youngest. You never got to just stay home all day with me, sitting around. You came out and were a man on the go, having to take your naps at the playground and in your seat at the grocery store. I'm sorry for that dude, but there's not much I can do about it.

As every month went by, I sat in disbelief at how big you were growing. Your crazy brown hair stood on end for awhile, till it grew long enough to lay down just based on it weight. Your perfect boy lips grew more kissable, and you kept on stealing my heart everyday. When you learned to smile you were stingy with them at first, mostly reserving them for me which I didn't mind at all. I don't know if you were trying to be the strong and silent type or not, but you abandoned that after not too long.

Every milestone you took made me both happy and sad. I was happy for you, but sad for me. Not that I didn't want you to grow and learn, but growing up is a hard thing to watch for me. I'm glad to be here to see it, but I hate that it has to happen.

The weird thing about seeing your baby grow up is that it happens both slowly and quickly. Some days it seems like they will never learn to sit up, then you can't remember a time when they couldn't sit up. The first year includes so many milestones that its hard to even grasp the concept that one year ago this person who is pushing cars around the room and making Vroom, Vroom! noises was just a little 8 pound guy who stared back at me after getting evicted, unsure of why it was just so bright and loud.

Every holiday we celebrated with you was bittersweet, because it was my "last" first holiday. Your first Christmas? My "last" first Christmas. Your first Halloween? My "last" first Halloween. Now you've run out of first holidays, and so have I.

I don't even know how to come to terms with you turning one. I guess I have no choice really, you are one, there's nothing I can do about it. You don't always let me hold you and snuggle you anymore, you want down to play with cars. You begrudgingly let me kiss you, but only reciprocate with slobbery open mouth kisses half of the time. If you didn't still nurse you would probably never sit on my lap contentedly, just happy to be with me. You have stuff to do, things to get into, objects to break. And I understand, I guess. We all grow up, move on, but why you? Why my baby, and so soon?

Before I know it you will be going off to do things without me, independent and wild and free. And I will cry, but that won't stop you. You have to do it, its part of life. Not my favorite part, but one of the parts that I can't change.

I just hope you know my dude that even though it makes me sad to see how you've grown, I wouldn't trade my front row seat to it for anything. Not even all the cookies in the world, and we all know how much I love cookies.

Deny Deny Deny

In 1 day Witten will be one. And I'm avoiding it, avoiding this blog where I will write things and think about it, avoid looking at pictures where he was tiny (8 lbs is tiny when you look at the big picture), avoid staring at him sleeping and wonder just WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHY DID TIME GO SO FAST?!!!

I hate pre-birthdays. They make me as sad as actual birthdays. I have intentionally avoided writing this post due to sadness over my baby growing up too fast, so now that its in my brain get it out of there, where are the cookies for distraction purposes? 

Damn these babies, growing and learning things. He is this close to walking  by himself. Steps have been taken, and he falls and gets right back up, insisting on being a grown-ass man. I hate it, but at the same time I feel pure joy when he takes a few wobbly steps across the room. If he's my last baby, then is the last time I will watch one of my kids take this journey, from speed crawling to drunken walking to unstable running. He has already run out of first holidays, and a lot of his other firsts are long behind him, I don't know what I'll do when he is a full-out kid, walking and talking and playing.

So my strategy is instead to pretend that tomorrow isn't his birthday. Pretend that I won't have a one year old who insists on growing up too quickly. Deny that he doesn't smell like a newborn anymore, deny that he can walk (sort of), and deny that he no longer curls up in a little ball and sleeps on my chest like he used to do. If I just pretend that he's little, and deny that my baby is getting bigger everyday, then it won't happen right? He can just stay little and I will snuggle him all day and smell his neck because he will still smell like a baby. That's settled then, I'm going with denial.

I Grew Grass...Sort Of

When we moved into this house the yard was just powdery dirt. I hate dirt, it just gets wet and makes mud. I really hate mud. So I planted grass, which was not as successful as I would've liked, but there is some grass out there. Its spotty at best. One half is patches of the bermuda grass that I originally planted, and I've been told that it spreads, which is true. The other half is less grassy, with some small bunches of bermuda and some spotty rye, which isn't as resilient as the bermuda. I'm hoping it will fill in some more when monsoon season gets here, and maybe I'll add some extra seeds to it in the mean time. Until then, we will sit in the patches and pretend we have a grassy lawn. And I will work on my grass growing skills so that next year it looks really good, even like the grass is intentional.

Summer is in Full Swing

Swimming, tennis, eating popsicles, and attempting to stay indoors in between everything else are what we've been up to so far this summer. My goal for this week is to leave my house as little as possible, wish me luck on that.

Kindergarten BFFs

Alana is such a social butterfly that I knew she'd have no problem making tons of friends when she started school. She can know someone for like half an hour and they're best friends already, so of course kindergarten was no exception.

Her all-time bestest of kindergarten friends was Kenna. Kenna received the most fan mail, you know, I love you, you're my best friend, yada yada yada, especially at the beginning of the year. She was also the most frequent playdate choice, which ended up being nice for me since I became friends with Kenna's mom. Kids are like matchmakers for friends, its funny how that works out. 

Kenna has also made a few appearances in my pictures, since Alana is always like Take our picture, we look nice today! and of course I obliged. Who wouldn't?

Another frequent playmate in the friends category was Akota. Alana played with her at Kenna's house a lot of times, which worked out good because all of the kids pretty much entertained themselves and mostly got along really well. Now that Alana is done with swimming and tennis camps this week she is asking to have her over for a playdate, I'll have to schedule that as soon as I catch my breath from this past week. I know they'll have fun and be excited to see each other like its been years, not just a couple of weeks.

The last two of Alana's friends were ones she didn't spend as much time with outside of school, but she still snuck in a few photo ops once in awhile. Dani hung out with her a lot in the mornings right before school, and stayed on the playground with her a few times after school. She was also one of the kids that came along with her group and I chaperoned when we went to the zoo. Dani actually got in the picture with me when Alana wouldn't, at least someone likes me. Claire is Alana's friend and lunchmate who she declared her cousin cause that's totally how it works right? Alana and Claire liked to sit together at lunch and trade foods. Alana had to take extra of some foods so that she could share it with Claire, and if she came home with an extra string cheese it was because Claire had brought it for her to give to Ava. I thought that was nice of her, thinking of Ava and bringing her stuff too. Girls are so considerate sometimes.

Me, Ava, and Dani

Waiting around on field day with her friends and classmates, Claire is the cutie with the gap toothed smile

The crazy thing about schools in small towns is that a good percentage of your classmates are going to be with you till the end. I went to school with 95% of the same people from 7th grade on, but David went to school with the same people from kindergarten on. Some of Alana's classmates are the kids of people that David went to kindergarten with. I know that a lot of the kids that Alana went to school with this year will move away or go to one of the smaller schools in this area (although Benson is the major one in Benson, there is also St David but its kind of a different town, you have to be from here to understand). I am just hoping that the good ones make it through with Alana till the end, its really cool to be able to say that you've known someone since you were five and you're still friends.

Milestones: 11 months. Somebody hold me

If I write this post it means acknowledging my baby is 11 months old. If I write this post I will possibly cry in my dark living room while half writing/half watching the Daily Show and mostly just trying to come to terms with the growing of my baby.

Birthdays are not my favorite thing, so it pains me that my boy's first birthday is 3 weeks from now. Like, I hate it. One is terrible, forget two, one is where the brattiness starts. He's already pulling stuff out of cupboards and trying to eat crayons all the time, imagine the things he could accomplish when he learns to walk. This birthday is sad enough for me, I can't even think about how big he is getting, so I'm going to try to get through this as painlessly as possible. The outlook is grim.

When I went to put a onesie sticker on him this month I realized there was only one left. Then I got sad. This boy has grown faster than I could imagine, he is crawling at lightning speed, pulling himself up to stand on everything, and walking around the couch and walls like he owns the place. He has gotten brave this week and tried to step away from the couch, and I was nice and resisted the urge to push him back down and try to delay this walking crap. He will walk soon enough, in spite of my willing him to sit and play nicely instead.

Witten is my big studly man, he is 19 lbs 13 oz, but he still wears size 9 months clothes. His muscles are compact, he does pilates or something. He still nurses for most of his meals, but I never feed him baby food anymore, unless you count Gerber puffs. At dinnertime he sits in his high chair and eats some of the food that we are eating, just cut up into smaller pieces. His favorite thing to do at meal times is to beg David for bites of his lunch, mostly by yelling at David and demanding bites while saying "dad dad dad dad" which clearly makes him irresistible. His favorite things to beg his daddy for are pasta, cereal, sandwiches, and especially whatever David is drinking.

This boy loves to play, he loves to smile, and he loves to laugh. The only exception to this is when people that he doesn't know very well try to talk to him, he stares them down with the most unimpressed look I've ever seen. He's all Move along, random old lady at Walmart, there's nothing to see here. Yes, yes I'm cute, but that's none of your concern. Just go pay for your Lean Cuisine and I'll go about my day and smile at my mommy as soon as you walk away. There you go, keep walking. Its not that he's unfriendly, he's just not easily amused with people. Unless you are Alana, then he finds you hilarious. If you aren't Alana, keep on moving.

The thing that has surprised me a lot in the last month is how much he loves to play by himself. His favorite game is solo-fetch, he throws a ball, crawls to get it, throws it again, etc. He finds this game to be super fun, it keeps him occupied for a long time. He also really really really loves cars and trucks, pretty much anything on wheels. He started playing with all of the girls Barbie cars awhile ago, pushing them around and making little car noises because evidently boys are born knowing how to make sound effects. After he had played with every pink and purple car we have I dug up all of the various cars and Lightning McQueen toys we have and he has been pushing them around the house like a crazy guy since then. He loves a good road trip.

Witten has 8 teeth, which he uses to bite my fingers if I try to fish out any choking hazard he puts in his mouth. He is ferocious, that boy, do not put your hands near his mouth.

He's so big and grown up already that it hurts me. Tonight he was standing up in the bathtub, crawling all over his sisters and pulling their hair, doing exactly what little brothers do best. I washed his manly dark curls and pulled him out of their, hurrying to dry him off because he was already trying to escape. As soon as he was free of my towel he stood back up again, his naked little butt sticking out because he was trying to reach into the tub again and get more toys out. I just sat there behind him, trying to burn the memory of how small he is right now into my head. If he's my last baby, I will never have another 11 month old again. He is trying to grow and catch up with the big kids, constantly crawling into the girl's room to play with them and their toys, acting like he's all big and bad. But he's not, he's my baby and he refuses to act like it.

This boy is my life, but I feel like he is crawling away from me and towards his first birthday. He keeps growing, playing with cars and making sound effects, bumming cookies from me when I think he's not paying attention and I can eat them in peace, waking me up at 5:30 every morning cause he's an early riser, sitting on my lap and watching Mickey Mouse, rocking back and forth to music cause he's got the music in him, pulling my sunglasses off, and giving me slobbery boy kisses. I can't think anymore about his birthday in 3 weeks, it makes me sad. All I can do is give him all of my love everyday and hope that I'm doing everything I can so he knows he is special and he is loved, and most importantly that he grows up to be a good man who knows that I cherished everyday of his first year, even though he insisted on growing up way too quickly.