Portraits of Christmas

I'm still recovering from my Christmas sugar high. And unlike all of the years in recent history, I have yet to take my tree down. It looks pretty, and I'm tired. Its staying put till 2013 or until I get an unexpected desire to spend an entire day removing decorations it took me two days to put up. Until then, and until I post all of my pictures, I'm just going to post two pictures that pretty much sum up how our Christmas was.

 During our present opening chaos, they were all engrossed in their new toys.

After madness had died down and I had moved everything to a different room and vacuumed because my brain cannot properly function when the living room is a huge mess, they all settled into their own spots while I made breakfast. No rest for mommy. The girls played their new video games, Witten took a super long nap, and David "rested" (must be nice to be a husband).

The rest of the day was a blur of opening presents at other people's houses and eating tamales and turkey, but at least we got a couple of quiet moments before everyone had to get up off of their butt and get dressed.

I'm on Christmas break

Instead of blogging and taking pictures with my fancy camera, I have spent the weekend and today cooking and being lazy. I guess all the cooking wasn't lazy (I made 4 dozen rolls, 2 batches each of caramel and m&m s'mores bars, rice Krispy treats, sugar cookies, and time consuming jello-yogurt stuff). And caramel popcorn. I'm an insane person.

Watching Christmas movies and doing excessive amounts of baking are what makes it feel like Christmas to me. So I'm going to resume doing that and get back here after Christmas. Hope everyone has a good holiday! I'm going to hold my dude every second of his first Christmas, I don't want to miss any of it.

***This was supposed to publish on Monday but for some reason did not. So I'm sending it now and hoping for the best.

Little Things to Remember

The other night after Alana was asleep I sat in her room for awhile (because of course she had fallen asleep in my room). I looked around at what six years with this little girl has turned into. It may be a "shared" room with Ava, Witten even has a tiny blue shelf in there too, but it has been Alana's territory for much longer. If I had no more Alana, which I don't even like to consider, I could never go in that room again. Every little thing in there has been touched by her little hands and fingers with their chipped pink nail polish. There are leaves she collected from my sister's front yard, a macaroni necklace she made at school, snowglobes that she picked out at Disneyland and MouseEar hats with her name embroidered on them. That room is full of her.

Last Friday this happened and it freaked me out a little. Every day of this week when I dropped my first baby off at school I was sad. I hugged her tighter. School should be a safe place, I want her to feel like nothing bad will happen to her there. I want to feel like nothing bad will happen to her there. But the reality of the world that we live in is harsh. Bad things happen. They happen to good people, young people, old people, babies, little innocent kids. They happen to everybody. I wake up everyday with the notion that none of those things will happen to me or my family, but that is just a lie we all tell ourselves so that we can leave our houses without being afraid of everything.

I know people have "recovered" from losing children. Little children, babies, or grown children. But I don't know how. How can you even tie your shoes and sit on your couch and function when there is such a big piece of you missing. I love all three of my kids, but the absense of even one of them would leave me unable to breathe.

We all take our kids for granted. On Friday after I picked Alana up and hugged her and squeezed her I brought her home. She acted like her usual wild self and drove me a little bit crazy, fighting with Ava and eating nonstop before dinner. I wanted to tell her to calm herself down, but I was grateful just to have her to be there annoying me when so many other parents had their wild six year olds taken from them that day.

I'm glad that its almost Christmas break because I need some time. Time to not be so petrified to take my child to school everyday, leaving her there and trusting that she will be okay. There were even rumors going around that some idiot high school kids were going to bring guns to school tomorrow. These rumors were not taken lightly and there have been lots of cops at the school all this week. The secretary even reassured me that if she really thought there was a threat she wouldn't be there. I guess that helps a little, but I'm trusting these people with a priceless possession. Sending my baby to school everyday was hard enough before, I already missed her every minute that she was gone. Sending her to school with even the faintest thought that I could never hold her, see her, or hug her again makes me want to throw up.

I don't want to let my fear of the bad guys of the world affect how Alana lives her life. I want to hug her and raise her to be an independent person, but why does independence involve so much leaving me? Can't she be an independent and a successful doctor/teacher/singer/whatever and still live at home with me till she is 40? Or 50? Why do children insist on growing up and moving out? Who thought of this idea? I would like to have a word with them.

More than anything I just want to remember to appreciate my kids. I need to remember how tightly Alana hugs my neck, how she sings as loudly as possible whenever there is a good song on, how she is friends with everyone and never holds a grudge, how she draws me masterpieces everyday that I will never throw away, how she insists she is starving after school and snacks till she is full so she doesn't want dinner, and how I would do anything to keep her safe and here with me.

I'm trusting the world with my baby, I hope it doesn't let me down. But I've got my eye on you world, don't try any funny business or you'll have to answer to me.

Christmas Singing at its Best

Alana had her very first Christmas performance on Monday night. It was....entertaining. She was excited from the very first day she brought home her lines, and she was so diligent about memorizing them that all of us knew them. Even Ava was walking around saying "Tis Christmas Eve and Santa's tree is naked at the top." She could've Alana's understudy in a pinch.

Alana did good when it was her turn, aside from when she walked up to the microphone when it wasn't her turn, said nothing, and turned and went back to her seat. Then when it was actually her turn she said her line, turned to go back to her chair and tripped over the microphone cord, knocking it over and falling down. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess.

After Alana's play was over there were still 3 more classes of kindergarteners to go. I was kind of like Can I just get my kid and go now? but they had to sing during the "intermission" of each play. Alana has been singing those Christmas songs at home now for a month, but seeing her up there singing and doing the hand motions was much better, even though she kept a poker face on the whole time. Singing about Santa is serious business you know.

I was happy to watch my little crazy girl up there singing and dancing and even picking at her fingernails when it wasn't her turn to speak. She has so much energy and brings so much joy to everything that she does. Oh wild kindergartener, sing me another song about jolly old St Nicholas.

Things People Say at Inappropriate Times

I am possibly the only person in my family who does not own a gun. Barring the occurence of a zombie apocalypse, I have no personal use for one. It is not something that interests me. I do not hunt or participate in any other gun related hobbies. And it is not because I am "anti-gun" it is because I have no reason to. I have enough hobbies.

My dad owns guns. He kept one in his glove compartment in his truck my entire childhood. He shoots at stuff for fun (inanimate objects, let's be sure to clarify that). I have no objection to this. He even used to take me shooting with him when I was little but I do not remember thinking it was fun, it was too loud.

I do not care if people own guns. I do not object, that's fine. The only thing I hate is when there is a gun related tragedy and everyone and their brother goes around talking about how Guns don't kill people, people kill people. That may be partly true, but this morning this happened. Now I'm sure I won't be able to go on Facebook or watch the news without hearing pro-gun arguments and that makes me a little sick to my stomach.

I'm not getting into a debate with anybody about gun control. That's other people's issues right there. My issue takes root with people who use tragedies as a platform to support their beliefs. Owning a gun for hunting/shooting/whatever type of protection you may need is another issue. Don't use the deaths of kindergarteners as a basis for your argument.

I do not care if people are offended by this or disagree. What I am saying is not pro- or anti-gun, its anti-people shooting other people for no reason. No one has to agree with my opinions on guns, although I've left them slightly vague. The only thing that I want people to agree about is that when stuff like this happens it is a tragedy and the only thing people should do is come together and support each other, not fight about personal opinions.

The War on Naps

Oh little boy of mine. I'm sorry you're the third kid, I know you really got a bum deal here. I want to hold and snuggle you more, but time it is a bitch. You want to nap and sleep but five days of the week you get scooped up and strapped in and driven back and forth, back and forth. I'm sorry dude. I wish you could have a better routine, believe me you. But this kindergartener sister of yours has to be taken to school, then picked up from school, then we have to get your daddy, and occasionally we require groceries. Life is hectic dude.

I am hardly an expert on baby sleep. I may have three kids, but I have fought my way through naps and bedtime for six years. Alana was a serial catnapper. She wanted to be held and I struggled to find that window of opportunity where she was asleep enough to be moved but not too asleep so that when I put her down she would wake up. At night after falling asleep sitting up in the living room many, many times I finally just gave in and let her sleep in our bed. I was just so tired. She never slept, peacefully and completely through the night, till about 2 1/2. Ava napped fine. She would sleep in her swing and I would put her in there awake. Sometimes she would complain, but never for more than five minutes. I did this till she was one and was kind of too big for the swing. Then I ran out of ideas. One year olds don't nap as much and she kind of fell into a routine of being rocked to sleep, but either way I had to hold her. She didn't sleep well through the night until I was pregnant with Witten when she was just past two. Its a wonder I even wanted more kids with the way these girls were at night.

I was finally to the point where all children slept peacefully through the night. FINALLY. Then I had another baby. Dumb, but worth it. And I'm tired. I sleepwalked through many days when the girls were small. I let them in my bed and they kept me awake and had to be soothed back to sleep. That's annoying. I want a kid who can self soothe, but I don't want to leave him screaming in his bed to get him to that point.

I NEED to sleep train this boy. The poor guy takes half of his naps in his carseat because he falls asleep when we are going to pick someone up from somewhere. Those are fine though. Some of his naps I put him down drowsy but content and he might occasionally complain, but he goes to sleep without much fight. Then there are times when he has fought off sleep very intently and falls asleep nursing.

Today he didn't really want to  nurse, he wasn't hungry. And he was cranky. And tired. So I put him in his bouncer seat and strapped him in and faced him towards the window so he couldn't see me or Ava. And I left the room. He was pissed off, but I outlasted him and his cries of child abuse. He fell asleep after crying, but he slept less than an hour. He used to take long naps, now it seems like they are all short (under an hour). He also used to sleep for at least 4 hours after he went to sleep at night but 3 out of 4 nights in the last week he has woken up after about an hour and a half and not wanted to sleep unless someone was holding him. I don't hold him when he sleeps during the day, so this confuses me. He will fall asleep, but no matter what he wakes up all mad after we put him down. It doesn't even have to be me holding him, he will sleep if David has him. But someone better snuggle him or we will pay for it.

I haven't really "sleep trained" any of my babies. I want to, but I find myself lost. I'm tired and 2am Jennifer is not nearly as persistent as 2pm Jennifer. And I don't want to fully let him "cry it out" because we live in a two bedroom duplex. If he is up screaming all night he will keep us all awake in our house, and I'm afraid he will wake up the neighbors on the other side of the bedroom wall too. I need to find some kind of balance. He is six months old, I know he could sleep for longer, at least at night.

I need him to sleep longer, for everyone's sanity, even his own. Babies who sleep are much nicer than babies who think they need to nurse every 3 hours at night. I don't know if I will wean him right away at one, he's almost six months already and I feel like that has flown by. I don't want him to need to nurse to sleep though, its just annoying.

If someone wants to come to my house and sleep train my baby that would be awesome. I'd pay you, like $20. If I had $20. But really, I need help. Any super useful advice that doesn't require me to leave my very angry little man baby to scream for 20 minutes? Any magic potions or secret weapons to get a chubby and hungry guy who  needs a midnight snack to sleep longer? Help, or take my baby at night so I can sleep.

Finally Feels Like Fall

Only two weeks till Christmas and here in AZ we have pretty typical "fall" weather. You are a little chilly in short sleeves, but sweating in long sleeves. Its cold enough to see your breath in the morning, but in the afternoon you have to change clothes because you're hot. That's fine, I kind of hate the cold and I've lived in AZ so long you would think I wouldn't be so surprised when this happens every single year.

Cold or not, it looks like fall in my front yard. Well I live in a duplex so this is "technically" my neighbors side of the yard, but they weren't home and blocking the perfect light with their ugly truck so we seized the day! We, well I, decided to grab my camera and snap some pictures this afternoon. I hadn't planned on being on the other side of the camera, thus my lack of makeup, but my little aspiring photographer Alana wanted to take some pictures after throwing many, many leaves in the air. As long as I set the camera settings and count on about half being out of focus she is a pretty good photographer. They say your first 10,000 pictures are your worst right? She ought to hit that about age 10 just in time to take some more pictures for me. I knew that having kids would pay off eventually, especially when they're old enough to start doing their own laundry.

Sneezy and Stinkface Take a Picture

 When you take your own family pictures you balance risk and reward. You wipe the boogers off of your kids faces, drag them to the old Burger King building with a cool metal thing on the wall, slap some makeup on and go take your chances. You setup up your tripod, grab your remote, and hope for the best.

Then you face the camera and tell your kids to smile, but you can't see their faces, because you're in the picture. There is no pushy lady waving her arm and trying to get their attention and yelling SMILE! (that lady is usually me). You just hit the button on the remote and say cheese. And sometimes your kids look. And sometimes they don't. The more children you have the harder it is to get a picture where everyone is looking AND smiling. In my case Witten, who is a baby and cannot be told what to do, looked for about two out of thirty pictures. And in those two pictures the girls were mad, sneezing, or just looking unpleasant.

I guess that's life. Sometimes they smile and look happy, other times they don't.

When it comes to family pictures, especially ones that fall on a holiday, I like to keep it real. As long as everyone is in the picture and I look okay then that is good enough. That's real life. Kids don't always smile, babies cry, people sneeze. That's not really what I want to put on my Christmas card, but I will take what I can get. Perfect pictures are rare, probably nonexistent. I do happen to have TONS of pictures of my entire family, even if they aren't all Christmas card worthy. In this particular case I had to settle for one where four out of five people were looking AND smiling, but part of me thinks I should've went with the first one. Sneezy and Stinkface don't agree, but who cares, they made those faces, not me.

Oh Middle Child

"I look nice today, you should take my picture." Good idea Ava, good idea. And on another note, why do I not take more pictures of my kids standing in this spot?

Even More Pictures

While I'm still maintaining my amateur status as a photographer to maintain my Olympic eligibility, I took pictures yet again.

The last photoshoot I had was someone my sister had referred to me, but this time it was someone who I'm friends with and met last year through a mutual friend. She asked if I could take her family pics and I said yes, you gotta give the people what they want.

This time around the adults outnumbered the kids, but that one little girl was the one calling the shots here. Kids don't do anything they don't want to do, and when she didn't want me to take her picture she wasn't shy about letting me know. She did throw me a couple of smiles though, just to be generous. The one in the jungle gym is my absolute favorite from the whole shoot, it made the whole thing worthwhile, catching that one cute smile.

Customer Satisfaction

Have you ever gotten a really bad haircut and then when the stylist was done and they asked you if you like it you said yes? No? I definitely have. They put me on the spot! I had no choice! I've even gone back to someone who gave me a bad haircut to give them a second chance, mostly because this is a small town and there aren't that many people who can cut hair. But then that same person gave me a second bad haircut that took a long time to grow out and I quit going back and found a super nice new girl to cut my hair and she has never given me a bad haircut.

I bet you're reading this right now and wondering if there is a point to it. I promise you there is. I consider myself an honest person. I never say a baby is cute if I don't really think that it is. I don't eat food that I think is gross to spare someone's feelings. I actually rarely eat other people's cooking if I'm unsure about how clean their kitchen is. I don't give compliments that I don't mean. I want to be real and I want people to believe me when I say something. But when I am put on the spot like that, I have said that I liked a service that I was paying for when in reality I did not.

Sometimes I see other people complimenting things and saying stuff that is different from my own opinion and I doubt the sincerity. They could genuinely like what they are calling cute, or they could just be being polite. I don't know what to believe. This is especially true when it comes to pictures, mostly on Facebook. I see a picture that is not that great (in my opinion) taken by someone who has recently declared themselves a professional photographer extraordinaire and everyone is like High five this is awesome you could totally charge millions of dollars for your photography services! and I'm over here thinking Vignettes do not automatically make a picture look better what is wrong with people! and then I kind of feel bad for being so judgmental but I don't want to be dishonest.

I keep my sometimes negative opinions to myself. Even if inside I'm thinking that a photo is too dark or over saturated and stop using selective color people! I just keeping on trucking and don't say anything. If I do say something, its nice and you can bet your life I mean it. That doesn't mean my silence is disapproval, it just means I never say anything mean online when I think something could be improved upon. Except this blog right now. But I'm not being specific and I do think there are good pictures being taken by people besides me.

There is a good reason that I never say OMG cutest photo ever! when I don't mean it. It is because I don't want people saying that stuff to me unless it is sincere. If you compliment me it better be your honest opinion. If I am being paid to take someone's picture I wanna know what they really think, even if its not favorable. I want to be told what people want, not something nice to spare my feelings.

If I had been braver I would've told my former hairstylist that I hated my haircut, but I didn't realize just how much I hated it till I looked closer when I got home. If I disliked it at the salon, I loathed it at home. And I never said a word.

There are some people whose opinions I value more than others. If someone compliments my writing and I think that they are also a good writer, then I value their opinion more. If someone compliments my pictures and I know they have a good eye and can also take good pictures then I take that more seriously because I think they know what they are talking about. I also tend to believe people when their compliments are in person, completely unsolicited. When someone just says, totally out of the blue, I really liked that one picture you took that one time! I'm pretty sure they are telling the truth. I just want to be sure that people really like a picture that I take and they aren't just saying that. I like my pictures, and I have pretty high standards, but everyone's opinions are different. Some people like vignettes.

Architectual Prodigies

We built some "gingerbread" houses out of graham crackers and royal icing. Well, I built them. The girls decorated them with lots and lots and lots of candy, only eating a few in the process. Mostly because they thought the gumdrops were gross and only Alana liked the mints. That just left a few tic tacs, and then Alana was mad she didn't have enough to decorate with. Women, you really can't please them.

Alana decorated her house very nicely and neatly and symmetrically. She is task oriented, she gets stuff done. Then she moved on with her life and went to watch some Christmas cartoons.

Ava surprised me with how into decorating her house she was. She devoted a lot of time to it when I thought she would've moved on to TV watching by then. She took her time and made a tic tac border around the top of the house, but where she really put in the time was in landscaping. She landscaped the crap out of that house. She covered her cardboard cake round completely with candy. I suggested making a couple of bushes in the side yard with green gumdrops, she took it to the next level and covered that yard with "bushes" and marshmallow snowmen and teddy grahams and mints and snowcaps. She even added some green tic tacs as a decorative border. She clearly never heard the expression "less is more" because when I thought there was no more room in her "yard" she just kept going. Its really a masterpiece.

Witten was unimpressed, but he has never tasted candy, so he has no idea what he's missing.

And once again, the masterpieces. They should really be in a museum.

Sometimes Work is Fun

I'm still not labelling myself a "professional photograper" but I took pictures of this super cute family yesterday and it was so much fun I forgot it was technically "work." Previously the only family pictures I have taken were my own (with a remote and tripod) or for my sister, so this was a little anxiety inducing for me.

I was really nervous because I wanted them to like them AND more importantly we were taking them at 9:30 in the morning which is a little challenging. After making the sun work in our favor and photographing these EXCEPTIONALLY CUTE!!! children I ended up pretty satisfied with the results.

Plus, did I mention how cute these kids are? Look at their oldest daughter, she is seriously beautiful, and she's only twelve. The boys were pretty into having their picture taken, I think they practiced their poses in the mirror. And the littlest girl was such a cute and sassy little thing, she didn't want her mom watching her when she got her picture taken, her best smiles came after she told her mom to turn around. And her poses were all her doing, she came up with those all by herself. Oh little kids crack me up.